Marrying The Right Person At The Right Time

Marrying The Right Person At The Right Time

When Should You Get Married??
Age
Station in life (education, previous marriage, children, indebtedness, employment, etc.)
Financial
Personal readiness (spiritual, emotional)
Other----

President Gordon B. Hinckley
"This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual that you marry. . . Marry the right person in the right place at the right time." (Ensign, Feb 1999, p. 2)

President Hinckley
“All of this (a good marriage and a happy family life) can come to pass if you make this most important decision, one guided by prayer as well as instinct, of choosing a dear companion who will be yours through thick and thin forever, throughout all eternity.”

The Right Place, the Right Authority
Elder McConkie: The most important things that any member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ever does in this world are; 1. To marry the right person, in the right place, by the right authority; and 2. To keep the covenant made in connection with this holy and perfect order of matrimony.”

Just as Amulek taught as recorded in Alma 34:34, President Gordon B. Hinckley teaches us about eternity. He says, "This life is part of eternity. This is one stage of our eternal lives. When we die, we will go on to purposeful, active, challenging living. The life on the other side of the veil will be somewhat like the life here." (Nov 7, 1997).

Dispelling the “one-and-only” Myth
Elder Packer: “While I am sure some young couples have some special guidance in getting together, I do not believe in predestined love…. You must do the choosing, rather than to seek for some one-and-only so-called soul mate, chosen for you by someone else and waiting for you.”

President Kimball
“Soulmates” are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful…”

What type of problems might we face if we believe there is only one person we can marry?


President Hinckley
reminds us how we can bless the lives of future generations, "To you I say with all of the energy of which I am capable, do not become a weak link in the chain of your generations. You come to the world with a marvelous inheritance. You come of great men and women. . . Never let them down. Never do anything which would weaken the chain of which you are a fundamental part." (Ricks College Devotional, 1999)

1. We should strive to improve ourselves as we decide who to marry.
2. We should follow the counsel of the prophets and apostles as we date and decide who to marry.
3. We should plan carefully, think, fast, and pray when selecting our eternal companion.
4. We should seek the Spirit’s inspiration in our marriage decision.
5. Engagement provides a time for growth and preparation


“If the choice is between reforming [others] or ourselves, is there really any question about where we should begin? The key is to have our eyes wide open to our own faults and partially closed to the faults of others—not the other way around! The imperfections of others never release us from the need to work on our own shortcomings.”

-Elder Neal A. Maxwell
Ensign, May 1982, p. 39


Marvin J. Ashton
"I remind you again that compromising and lowering standards and ideals never have been and never will be tools of happiness. While we are striving for quality conduct in our lives, we must ever realize that being single will never be as painful as being married to the wrong person with wrong and selfish standards. A mate must be willing to share tender and loving associations in an eternal quest for life at its best. Avoid getting married just to be married. Feeling sorry for people or desiring to help them get their lives in order are poor reasons for marriage. Marriage should be based on love and shared values.“ (“Be a Quality Person.” Ensign, Feb, 1993, 66)

President Hinckley--Singleness
“My heart reaches out to those among us, especially our single sisters, who long for marriage and cannot seem to find it. Our Father in Heaven reserves for them every promised blessing. I have far less sympathy for the young men, who under the customs of our society have the prerogative to take the initiative in these matters but in so many cases fail to do so. Strong words have been spoken to them in the past by Presidents of this church. “What God Hath Joined Together,” Ensign, May 1991, 71

Elder Dallin H. Oaks
"The timing of marriage is perhaps the best example of an extremely important event in our lives that is almost impossible to plan. Like other important mortal events that depend on the agency of others or the will and timing of the Lord, marriage cannot be anticipated or planned with certainty. We can and should work for and pray for our righteous desires, but despite this, many will remain single well beyond their desired time for marriage."So what should be done in the meantime? Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ prepares us for whatever life brings. This kind of faith prepares us to deal with life's opportunities—to take advantage of those that are received and to persist through the disappointments of those that are lost. In the exercise of that faith, we should commit ourselves to the priorities and standards we will follow on matters we do not control and persist faithfully in those commitments, whatever happens to us because of the agency of others or the timing of the Lord. When we do this, we will have a constancy in our lives that will give us direction and peace. Whatever the circumstances beyond our control, our commitments and standards can be constant. (“Timing,” Ensign, Oct, 2003, 15).

Elder Dallin H. Oaks
“We know that many worthy and wonderful Latter-day Saints currently lack the ideal opportunities and essential requirements for their progress. Singleness, childlessness, death, and divorce frustrate ideals and postpone the fulfillment of promised blessings. In addition, some women who desire to be full-time mothers and homemakers have been literally compelled to enter the full-time workforce. But these frustrations are only temporary. The Lord has promised that in the eternities no blessing will be denied his sons and daughters who keep the commandments, are true to their covenants, and desire what is right.” 
“Many of the most important deprivations of mortality will be set right in the Millennium, which is the time for fulfilling all that is incomplete in the great plan of happiness for all of our Father’s worthy children. We know that will be true of temple ordinances. I believe it will also be true of family relationships and experiences” (Ensign, November 1993, 75)

2. Follow the counsel of the prophets and apostles as you date and decide who to marry
President Hinckley (p. 188)
Choose a companion:
-of your own faith
-you can always honor
-you can always respect
-who will complement you in your own life
-to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty


Elder McConkie (p. 189)
-have normal, wholesome, normal affection for the person you will marry
-they should be worthy to go to the temple

Elder Scott (p. 189)
Your eternal companion should:
-have a deep love of the Lord & his commandments
-have a “determination to live” the commandments
-be kindly understanding
-be forgiving of others
-be willing to give of self
-have the desire to have a family
-be committed to teaching children the principles of truth

Hugh B. Brown:
someone who has achieved physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual maturity—and self-control
President Gordon B. Hinckley: “Be true to yourselves, and your respect for yourself will increase. Know that yours is a divine birthright. Cultivate a good opinion of yourselves.”

Essential Attributes of an Eternal Companion
Elder Scott: “I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.”

Bottom Line
1.These attributes are as important to you as to your companion.
2.Seek temple worthiness rather than perfection in a potential mate.
3.It is not our place to judge another person, rather the influence others might have on us.
4.Plan carefully, think, fast, and pray when selecting our eternal companion.
5.Spirituality, dispositions, maturity, commitment to gospel principles.




REVIEW: Social Science Research Characteristics That Most Influence Marital Success
impulse control, emotional/mental health sociability, self-esteem, personality, values, attitudes, and beliefs

The Right Relationship: mature vs. immature love, positive and negative communication
Similar backgrounds
President Spencer W. Kimball describes marital love: faith, confidence, understanding, partnership, devotion and companionship, parenthood, common ideals and standards, cleanliness of life, and sacrifice and unselfishness; it never tires nor wanes.
Love, whether immature or mature, has three parts—emotional, belief, and behavioral.
A mature “consecrated” love for partner, family, and the Lord is a binding love.
High-quality communication (before and during marriage) one of the most important aspects of success in marriage—begins with a righteous heart.

Right Relationship (con’t)
Seek your own personal confirmation
(Elder Oaks, p. 191)
-must be within the limits of your stewardship

Use both agency and prayer (Elder McConkie, p. 191)
-must be struggle and effort on our part
-being tested to see how we will respond
-make our decision, get counsel, then get a spiritual confirmation

Engagement and Planning The Wedding
Engagement: not too long or too short
Focus on the spiritual, not the social experience
No dishonor in breaking off a bad engagement—should not allow pressures to get married to overshadow making the correct choice.
The Honeymoon: Often not what they are hyped up to be; need patience and a sense of humor

Engagement provides a time for growth and preparation.

- In what ways can a couple prepare during the engagement period?

-How can using the engagement period as a time of “personal growth” benefit a marriage?


Seeking Spiritual Confirmation
1. Live worthy of inspiration
2. Exercise agency and inspiration
3. Ask in faith
4. Seek multiple witnesses
5. Discern between inspiration, infatuation, and desperation
6. Confirmation should be sought by both

Lessons from Moses Crossing the Red Sea (Jeffrey R. Holland, 2 Mar 1999)
I am not saying you shouldn't be very careful about something as significant and serious as marriage. And I certainly am not saying that a young man can get a revelation that he is to marry a certain person without that young woman getting the same confirmation. I have seen a lot of those one-way revelations in young people's lives. Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. You can find an apartment. You can win over your mother-in-law. You can sell your harmonica and therein fund one more meal. It's been done before. Don't give in. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you.


Elder Dallin H. Oaks,
“We do not always receive inspiration or revelation when we request it. Sometimes we are delayed in the receipt of revelation, and sometimes we are left to our own judgment. We cannot force spiritual things. It must be so. Our life’s purpose to obtain experience and to develop faith would be frustrated in our Heavenly Father directed us in every act, even in every important act. Even in decisions we think very important, we sometimes receive no answer to our prayers. This does not mean that our prayers have not been heard. It means only that we have prayed about a decision that, for one reason or another, we should make without guidance by revelation. Perhaps we have asked for guidance in choosing between alternatives that are equally acceptable or equally unacceptable.”(New Era, Sept. 2004, 4)

We should follow the counsel of prophets and apostles as we date and decide who to marry.

Conclusion/Summary
One needs to be the “right person” as well as find the “right person”
The quality of the couple relationship established before marriage influences the quality of the marriage
Circumstances from our past and our present environments affect the way our relationships develop.
Marrying at the right time is crucial.

President Gordon B. Hinckley—(to young men) Qualities needed to live “… Worthy of the Girl You Will Someday Marry”
Be Absolutely Loyal
Be a Young Man of virtue
Live the Word of Wisdom
Avoid Profanity
Learn Now to Control Your Temper
Work for an Education
Be Modest in Your Wants
Go on a Mission and Be Married in the temple
Prepare to Become a Righteous Father
Now is the Time to Prepare For the Future